it really came as a shock. when i knew abt steve jobs’ passing. i felt a sense of loss. despite not knowing him personally, he is to a certain extent, my idol. i watched his stanford commencement speech at least 3 times till date. whenever i need some motivation and inspiration. he realyl left a legacy. can say he changed how people worked and lived by unforeseeable dimensions in the past 10 years. ipod, iphone, ipad. revolutionary. and the following post is kinda triggered by him.

should we work towards achieving big things?

i wrote the following on 7th march 2010. my to do list after i come back from london. it has been one  year 2 months since i came back. taking stock? more like.. re-evaluation.

” 1.get my bike license asap after i reach sg.

2.really get into purewiz and make it work.at least to my max capability

3.dance as much as possible for the next 2 years when i am still in sch and my body can still take it.

4.get this organisation or group which i thought of for very long working.. before i graduate.i finally decided on the target group. will set up a charity or foundation thing going to provide children with exposure to arts.age betw pri 1 and sec 4.and hopefully after sec 4 they can go into their own field of arts they like and cont to be involved and inspired.

5.get the group to be relatively strong before i finish my bond.which is in 4 years after set up.

6.save up as much as possible as soon as i get proper pay from nie onwards.will be apparent in next few points.

7.this might be quite shocking.. haha.. explore asia after i finish my bond..period of 2 years.hopefully able to include a substantial stay in korea.this is also why i need the group to be strong before i finish my bond cos i am gg exploration!

8.by the end of this.i am 30.wow.come back sg and chiong work for 2-3 years.

9.finally finally set up my cafe.which i always have some plans and ideas.. but the ideas are always changing as usual. target before age 33 if possible.

10.if heaven is really really good to me.. business is stable and i go taiwan to start a branch and stay for extended period.”

so.. i can only say i did point no 3 . did 3 ticketed performances in this span of one approximately 426 days. of which i choreo-ed one. watched a number of dance performances. point no 6 to about 95% of my ability. didnt save very hard but still on target. points 7-10 can be argued to be on the way? planning a trip to sri lanka at end of dec.

the rest.. wad bike, cycling, arts grps, purewiz are nothing in sight. too busy. how many times have i written sth like this.. about goals, efforts, whether its worth it, about trying hard to do sth good then fall flat on my nose, about doing all sorts of things but never seeing it to the end..

and.

there are only more to come.

maybe chris is right in a sense. i have to be more focused and see what i have done instead or not done.

i think i am feeling abit of wad han lao shi felt. despite achieving quite a lot but still feel inadequate. like not contributing to this world. not doing enough good. i really wonder where does this sense of inadequacy, comes from.

the most basic qn is what do i truly want from life itself? why does my self worth, accomplishment come from? why am i always trying to do big things yet not putting in the effort and feel shitty about myself, my community, my country.

all these big qns on identity, purpose and what not.
tired but yet can never shake them off.
blessing or curse?

perhaps i just need to decide for good. to work really hard towards sth or just try to be happy in a simple minded way.

for now.. just follow my heart i guess. like wad steve said.. for it already knows what it should do. whether i am borntojump or not.

maybe some questions have no answers.