Borntojump – direction.motivation.purpose.

finally back, at home and on this blog.

it has been a ride. enriching is the word i use.

i think i have experienced a very wide range of emotions in this 3 weeks. and truly, india does change people. if only for a short period of time. the things you see, smell, listen to, are just beyond my singaporean imagination. i bring country into play because it is what shapes your views and ideas, pretty much i think.

the world is an incredibly unfair unjust place. and by not doing or saying anything is as political, my recent hero, arundhati roy, author of “god of small things”, which won the booker prize in 1997, said this. i cant help but agree. i was reading her book and felt a strong disgust and repulsion at what some corporations n govt can do. at the same time, i had a brand new respect and gratitude for singapore’s govt. as imperfect as i often thought it is, it plays fair, at least, in my opinion.

the change in me is not sth words can describe or perhaps i am not tt much a wordsmith.

i am not depressed for sure. in fact i feel more happiness. i feel tt i can let go abit more and not take things too hard on myself. alot of bad things are happening and i guess i finally agree tt i am not superman and close to certainly cant change big things. or maybe i decided to let that burden go. in my capacity, i can do small things, touch people’s hearts, reach out to people, engage young minds, inspire people.

the new mantra is ” the world is a bad place, try your best to contribute sth to humanity”

and oddly, i feel the need or obligation to really live my life to my fullest after the india trip. this means, taking care of myself, physically, be in physical health, appearance, or anything. no more sloppy attitude to life. maybe i can slack, i can rest, but i cannot be sloppy anymore. to put it in a certain perspective, having such conducive environment and such entitlements to life’s challenges, not being the full person as i can be is not bringing justice to the poor indians in india.

justice. huh! wads tt?

as the year comes to an end, i am approaching my 25th birthday looking like a 18yr old nonetheless. its been a quarter century living here man. its time to payback, to this society, this earth who gave me time to think, capacity to think and a bittersweet amount of self controlled memory.

oh.. and i haven mentioned i am gg to start a new blog? yeah.. 3rd one by now. about travelling but with a more conscious mind to it.

suddenly everyone seems to be asking me why am i gg to india.

just today i explained twice i think. why india? actually why not? haha.. someone asked me wads my objective of gg this time rd.. i cant quite answer tt really.

but i honestly had none. nothing of the eat.pray.love sort.. i dont need any soul searching i think. haha.. it really started off as an alternative to sri lanka though i still think this reason is ridiculous and kind of rude to india. haha.. but… really.. to see the world is such a simple reason tt i cant be a reason. haha..

whats there in india? is another qn. and i usually replied with a little cheekiness ‘i dont know. tt y i am gg to find out.’  i mean.. there is some sense to that for me. i try to make it a little more adventurous for myself.. to have tt sense of exploration thought in today’s world its kind of impossible. the internet gives u any information abt anywhere. but.. i guess the fundamental problem with tt qn is the idea of traveling to look at sights. famous ones perhaps are the underlying ideas for tt qn. well. for one.. i am not even gg to taj mahal. so.. haha..

honestly.. i dunno why did i embark on this trip. even more fundamentally.. why is seeing the world so impt to me? haha.. perhaps.. i ask this because it does not seem to be as important as other people.. at least not in the i have been to taj mahal and back kind of way.. i guess its a reinforcement of my ideals that people all over the world arent tt different.. and that its safe to go to these places where media does not portray a very good image of them.

william said people who go to india come back different. i kind of dont mind. haha.. maybe i need a different set of frameworks to guide my life for the coming years to come.

incredible india here we go!

今天突然和一些朋友聊起 ”ethics“ 该翻译成道德。。

她说觉得做生意的人似乎都没什么道德。。不合法的事。。 不公平。。 更多的不应该。。

但是我们却都同意做生意”就是这样“。。 真的吗？ 又恰巧看到一张报道说 triple bottom lines. its talking about people, profits, planet. about how entrepreneurs and people must start to think abt zero damage to env, zero waste, zero energy consumption, zero pollution.. etc..

很自然的我开始想了这个问题。。 如果真的要求的话。。 我想不太可能真的做好人。。 哈哈。。 做一个有道德的人不难。。 不要“害别人” 就好了。。 不要为自己的利益而伤到别人。。 这就不太可能吧。。

想想。。 可不可以知道每一见衣服的来源呢？ 知道不是大企业给第三世界国家很少的酬劳而得来的。。知道做你的衣服的人时有一份合理的薪水。。 可能吗？ 我是说 每一件。。

可能知道你吃的事物也是来自sustainable sources ? organic? fair trade? 每天吃的每一样都确保。。 可能吗？

要做到以上两样应该已经想死了吧。。 还没说道处事代人那方面。。 真的可以照顾到每一个人的感受吗？ 把时间给一个人就不能把那同样的时间给别人。。 金钱也一样。。 能不让任何一个人失望吗？ 父母， 老师， 朋友， 同事。。 不可能把。。

难怪和尚们都要话一生的时间来找生命中的答案。。

怎么做一个真正的“好人”？

我们只不过在自己的范围， 处境下， 找寻一个舒服的空间来过日子。。好一点的做做义工。。 有钱出钱， 有力出力， 对周围的人与事好一点， 客气一点， 友善一点， 无私一点，也只有这么多把。。 我还这要求什么？ 又是自寻烦恼吗？ 没事找事烦？ 是很奇怪的。。 照说我应该很开心， 很自豪， 很满足。。 有一分好的工作， 薪水， 待人处事还不错。。 是应该可以很容易过一个好生活。。找个好女朋友。。 之类。。一种 happy ever after ending。。 可是往往就不会是这样。。 天生满脑思绪。。 好像片刻也停不下来。。

人是一直在变得。。 自前我觉得。。 人生短暂。。 不要想太多。。 过自己的生活开心就好。。 现在。。 我觉得时间是不等人的。。 有心愿。。 理想。。 应该趁早。。 还有。。 最重要的是要对社会有贡献。。

是很久没用华语来写了。。

想写这篇很久了。。 最近好像都不是很顺利。。 上新期四想去游泳结果早上没开。。 每个拜四早上都是清理时间。。 是我太久没去了吗？ 还是像大家都一样，日复一日，对周边的事都没留心？ 我还以为自己有多仔细， 多自由。今天像上terence then’s dance class， 可是一早就出门， 还没到830就累坏了。。 去了old airport.. but its closed. cleaning from 14-17 nov.是有点可笑有点无奈的。。 似乎很多地方都在清洗。。可能我也是时候洗一洗我的脑袋了。。 想的太多。。 有时还头疼。。

最近有个领悟。。 似乎大家都在有缺陷的世界寻找完美。。 但又明明知道完美根本不存在。。 是我们在相信着自己的愚蠢吗？

嫌别人不够漂亮。。 不够有钱。。 不够高 。。不够好。。 工作不好。。 工资太少。。 我们对社会的要求来得too fast too furious。。 要这么样 这么样 才可以当男，女朋友。。 要这么样 这么样 才可以结婚。。 还有人觉得生孩子就没有了自由， 决定可能不生小孩。。 要这么样 这么样 才可以买房，买车。 每天都在怨。。 想要更完美的以后。。 当然我也不例外。。我可能比别人更要求完美。。 因为我希望大家都可以很好的过他们的生活。。往往钱真的是带给我们太多太多的问题。。

新期天看了一个documentary, “the age of stupid”。 是说社会问题的。。 看了真的很感动。。 因为很多都是我有想过的。。 heard of resource curse before? (resource curse definition) 是说为什么拥有很多天然资产的国家往往生活水平还比别人差很多。。 many parts of africa is rich in oil, diamonds, minerals.. but look at the state of the countries? there are so much evidence of the climate crisis but big corporations are still arguing that ‘ its exaggerated’ ‘ its not clear’.. consumerism, waste, profits and bottom lines are crippling the world’s resources and environment yet we pretend as if nothing is happening.. or give excuses like ‘ one person’s efforts are nothing’ ‘ we are gg to die anw’. seriously.. “are we stupid?” (more details here )

我想我渐渐开始明白为什么 the host i stayed with at luxembourg lives with close to zero furniture and feels strongly about this profits kind of bullshit.. and why sebastian from the volunteer proj does not have a tv, he says he does not want to see all the ‘evil’, war, corruption, etc.. 因为当你真的为这些事而感到心烦，无奈，的时候可能唯有这方面的逃避才能让一个人的心平复下来。。 最近就开始有了这种逃避的想法。。

很累。。 真的不晓得是自己对一切有太多不可能的要求 还是活在新加坡就有这一种很根本， 四方八面， 莫名的压力？ 似乎在这里是不可能享受简单的幸福。。 不能追足梦想。。是只有我对着一切有着这么强烈的感觉吗？ 那太不可思议了吧？

越来越少人 can impress me.. don tell me what job you are holding, what bag you are carrying, how much money you have, how good looking you are.. tell me how you are contributing to this place we are living.. 也可能是这样。。 我也对自己很失望。。

好。。 就写到这里吧。。 发现林宥家好像也是一个非常感性， 独立， 孤僻， 的人。

its the kind of days again recently..

wandering ard the red dot alone most of the time and seeing stuff.

feel like starting another blog again.. something to just kind of document the little unusual things that we dont really pay attention to.. somehow.. i take an interest in everything.. i try to i guess..

just yesterday.. i went to vivo toast box. and in front of me i saw a mother breastfeeding her baby.. she used a cloth to cover it up but anyone could tell. i was a little taken aback actually.. that some singaporeans actually dare to do it.. i feel like going up to her and do a mini interview. ask her what she thinks abt breastfeeding in public.. does she get unnecessary attention etc..

soon after an elderly share my table and we began chatting with his wife and his wife’s daughter.. turns out there are overlapping areas? in out lives.. told her i am gg to sajc and she mentioned that she was in charge of the sajc hostel for foreign students till recently before she retired.. they also happen to stay near pandan reservoir where i told her i used to study at river valley which is opp the reservoir as well.. how lives can somehow be interrated in the strangest ways.. a 24yr old young man and 3 elderly..

today.. i took a bus from near cityhall to boon lay.. the bus driver is chinese and sports a really funky hairdo.. all shaved except a turf of hair in the centre.. he also happen to be quite different and assertive in a good way i guess. he demanded some passenger to give up his seat for an elderly. its nice in a way.. and when he was driving a little too reckless apparently.. he asked 2 elderly ladies ” what are you all talking about?” ” criticising me or praising me?” a bus driver with security issues? haha..  when the bus stopped at boon lay.. he gave directions to one of the elderly to another bus berth.

also, did anyone realise that the ezlink card scanner on buses are different? perhaps only for the 174 i took.. but.. did anoyone paid any attention to it?

not tt its especailly significant.. in fact.. nothing is if you put any special mention or thought into it..

but everyday.. we might be walking past interesting stories.. pictures.. sights.. that could be interesting.. in our busy lives.. i guess we all dont have the time to notice whatever is happening in the small little journeys we make. or maybe we cant be bothered at all.. but is it worth starting another blog? and who will be interested to see anw? little stories or little journeys made by a little man. haha.. oh! i found an interesting shoe from nat geo store at vivo yesterday.. haha..

perhaps tomorrow is not just another day. if we open up our eyes and our hearts.

finally had abit of time n mood to write this entry. been wanting to write this for the past few days.

some missed recently:

ntu blackboxbootcamp as dancer/choreo
smu steps as choreographer
some movies to catch
not gg sri lanka

some opportunities gained:

choreo-ed to radiohead last flowers and shared with ntu!
gg to india
gg to KL with batch mates
maybe the rocket?! haha..

recently.. starting to know how to manage my chances n opportunities. i think.. i am really fortunate.. its a time to count my blessings. being able to dance, to teach, to share, to just be normal and live live and have sth u love. being able to think, creatively, wildly, intellectually.. its kinda a humbling exp.. i think i am startning to decide on my own.. its a pity to not do blackbox, to not do steps. but.. perhaps.. as cliche as it sounds, another door do open. more imptly.. there are always opportunities.. there are always people ‘thinking for you’ telling u subtly or otherwise what u shld do.. they may have the best intentions but ..i guess..  we have to decide on our own.. and.. i am glad i am slowly being able to do that.. to live abit more calmly, rightly, in my own pace and priorities.

its 3 weeks since i started putting a conscious effort to eat vege once a week. not to show off or anything to anyone who mgith be reading this. just tt.. i am starting to see its importance.. and taking little steps to make the world a better place inspite of naysayers and what not. at the first vote, my batch mostly voted for plane to go KL while i was the only one voting for bus. the single reason i gave was ‘green’. some said ‘but the plane is still gg to fly if you take bus’ but there dont see tt if alot of people dont take plane then the plane will have less demand! and just because u dont see the smokes doesnt mean there is no pollution! and i shock myself by saying this to chuyan ” its not abt our generation only, its about our future generation too. i want my kids to have a normal earth to live in”.

but, having said all these.. i am still pretty much mild la. i dont impose  things on my friends or try to convince them. somehow.. i find tt can be abit damaging to the friendship.

looking back, looking forward, in terms of relationships.. i guess i took some chances and missed some boats. and perhaps i let down some people who might have taken or tried to take an opportunity with me as well.

i am truly sorry to you. i was hasty. i could have been eager. i could have been lost. but i was certainly wrong if i ever consciously tried to make an impression on u.

in fact, despite my cycles of highs n lows, i think i still do not know wad i truly want. or perhaps, some might say i have not met who i really want.

it can be tiring to think and feel so much.

on another note.. it seems like the lady’s man thing is coming back again. wy said i am a girl’s magnet tho i have no idea y or who. and wani told me she overheard some sec 1 girls saying i am cute. haha.. i am abt 12 years older than them! michelle said her friend said i have good dress sense. i replied in jest if the friend is single. honestly.. i admit i am more ‘able’ with girls.. easier to talk as well.. and probably tts y i never really have male buddies who play dota, wow or soccer or wad not tgt anw.. dance just chose my circle or friends for me i guess. and as much as it is pretty thick skin to say this.. but i have mentioned it b4.. i think i do attract the attention of some people.. haha.. which might not be good in certain circumstances.. esp if they are my students in jc.. i guess i have to manage it well when it comes.

i think i am taking on some opportunities in the time to come.. volunteer somewhere soon.. the rocket is a huge opportunity as well..

everyday is an opportunity. its a matter of wad u do with it i guess. n how u feel with ur choices. feel good abt yourself.

another video of my calming song of the moment.

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it really came as a shock. when i knew abt steve jobs’ passing. i felt a sense of loss. despite not knowing him personally, he is to a certain extent, my idol. i watched his stanford commencement speech at least 3 times till date. whenever i need some motivation and inspiration. he realyl left a legacy. can say he changed how people worked and lived by unforeseeable dimensions in the past 10 years. ipod, iphone, ipad. revolutionary. and the following post is kinda triggered by him.

should we work towards achieving big things?

i wrote the following on 7th march 2010. my to do list after i come back from london. it has been one  year 2 months since i came back. taking stock? more like.. re-evaluation.

” 1.get my bike license asap after i reach sg.

2.really get into purewiz and make it work.at least to my max capability

3.dance as much as possible for the next 2 years when i am still in sch and my body can still take it.

4.get this organisation or group which i thought of for very long working.. before i graduate.i finally decided on the target group. will set up a charity or foundation thing going to provide children with exposure to arts.age betw pri 1 and sec 4.and hopefully after sec 4 they can go into their own field of arts they like and cont to be involved and inspired.

5.get the group to be relatively strong before i finish my bond.which is in 4 years after set up.

6.save up as much as possible as soon as i get proper pay from nie onwards.will be apparent in next few points.

7.this might be quite shocking.. haha.. explore asia after i finish my bond..period of 2 years.hopefully able to include a substantial stay in korea.this is also why i need the group to be strong before i finish my bond cos i am gg exploration!

8.by the end of this.i am 30.wow.come back sg and chiong work for 2-3 years.

9.finally finally set up my cafe.which i always have some plans and ideas.. but the ideas are always changing as usual. target before age 33 if possible.

10.if heaven is really really good to me.. business is stable and i go taiwan to start a branch and stay for extended period.”

so.. i can only say i did point no 3 . did 3 ticketed performances in this span of one approximately 426 days. of which i choreo-ed one. watched a number of dance performances. point no 6 to about 95% of my ability. didnt save very hard but still on target. points 7-10 can be argued to be on the way? planning a trip to sri lanka at end of dec.

the rest.. wad bike, cycling, arts grps, purewiz are nothing in sight. too busy. how many times have i written sth like this.. about goals, efforts, whether its worth it, about trying hard to do sth good then fall flat on my nose, about doing all sorts of things but never seeing it to the end..

and.

there are only more to come.

maybe chris is right in a sense. i have to be more focused and see what i have done instead or not done.

i think i am feeling abit of wad han lao shi felt. despite achieving quite a lot but still feel inadequate. like not contributing to this world. not doing enough good. i really wonder where does this sense of inadequacy, comes from.

the most basic qn is what do i truly want from life itself? why does my self worth, accomplishment come from? why am i always trying to do big things yet not putting in the effort and feel shitty about myself, my community, my country.

all these big qns on identity, purpose and what not.
tired but yet can never shake them off.
blessing or curse?

perhaps i just need to decide for good. to work really hard towards sth or just try to be happy in a simple minded way.

for now.. just follow my heart i guess. like wad steve said.. for it already knows what it should do. whether i am borntojump or not.

maybe some questions have no answers.

sth odd happened recently.

i can feel my passion for dance slipping away.

esp on sunday. when i totally have no mood at all when i shld have choreo-ed sth. and i dont feel inspired and ‘dance-y’ at all recently.. no movements are in my mind.haha.. nothing nice at least.

is it because of my nie work? so much work that i have no cognitive space for dance and dance related stuffs. bogged down with education psychology, pedagogy, creativity, parental involvement, lesson planning, calculus and all.. trying to multitask everytime that not much work actually is done. done this makes sense? haha..

not tt i am complaining really.. well.. not in the i hate what i am doing way.. matter of fact,i love it. i am embracing every moment of discovery and intellectual debate with others or myself in my mind. anything with regards to education and how to improve and enhance the student performance and experience.

is this self actualisation? haha.. at least from the perspective of happiness, i am in the 2nd and 3rd stage of happiness- being in the zone when time just flies away and feeling a sense of meaning from what i am doing.

where then is dance? where too is travel in this so called hierarchy of needs? am i someone who just enjoys the little brain activity of delighting myself when i learn sth new and think abt questions with no easy answers. or the times when i feel a deep sense of empathy for the disadvantaged members of society?

trying to find that piece of zen in me again.

been a while since i wrote.

NIE is busy. in a good way i guess. i really enjoy my time here. (really? haha..) at least the content i guess.. stretch my thinking.. about maths.. how to teach maths.. education as a whole.. what are some of my teaching philosophies etc..

but somehow.. i feel something is missing? a little bit of the human touch? guess i wrote abt sth like this before. but u actually feel worse when u are in a situation where you shld have friends or at least see many people having friends to hang out but you dont, as compared to being alone in an env when people are alone. haha.. somehow.. sth feels weird.. although i still like being alone and stuff and many NIE student-teachers are moving ard alone.. is it hall? a place where there are so many ra-ra activities.. OGs and all that i feel i am too old and not part of any action?

or is it just me.. getting really lazy to mingle and stuff.. really a come what may attitude. at least i took the initiative to start convo with peeps living opp me.. so.. i dont know. haha.. then again.. meeting new people so what? had a little gmail chat with zhaoqi yesterday.. we agreed its abt meeting interesting people.. more like people u can connect and talk abt stuffs? esp when i am no longer an undergrad and hence my life dont revolve ard Hall DnD, orientation camp committee and lectures and stuff.. and zhaoqi said the best places to meet new people are churches n clubs. haha.. and we both dont go such places. sadly? i said the best place to meet interesting people is to go to interesting places. maybe just camp there and wait till some cool dude walks past n say hi?

but.. more imptly.. why the need for such human interaction? is it being just human? the case where no man is an island? or have the circumstances ard me changed? to what?! or have i lost the human touch to connect with new people anymore? to build on new friendships? or am i just being in my own world and thinking abt weird stuff all day long. haha.. or perhaps i am dismissing new people too quickly.. too fast to look at how different they are.. this one too self centred. this one too superficial.. this one too bimbo.. this one know nothing abt arts..

i need to find my inner peace, inner piece of zen.

perhaps the root lies still with my expectations of myself and others.. shld do a PhD on this.. haha.. seriously have been troubling me since a long time ago.. really must learn to let down my expectations abit. shall go borrow a book if i can find about expectations. haha..

or maybe i shld focus more on old friends whom i have not contacted for some time.. that might be a better strategy. oh wells.. found a new post rock band! album leaf.. serious in  love with them.

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is it half empty or half filled?

are you optimistic of pessimistic?

do you see the darkness or the light at the proverbial end of the tunnel?

is it grey clouds or silver lining?

is it a quiet and calm or boring and lifeless?

are you trying to help or messing around?

i dont know.

i think i always say ‘i dont know’. fact is. i really dont.

i cant quite decide if i am optimistic or pessimistic.

fact is. depends on the situation i guess.

but.. wads out is out. and i am a lil disturbed.

to be honest.

a coincidence? that brief eye contact seem to suggest otherwise. wad is happening really? in any case..

time’s up. have to move on i guess.

i think sometimes we are so blinded by our intentions we cant see what we are doing to other people? if you do.. why are you still continuing? maybe.. love or hate is a matter of perspective as well.. maybe we are both thinking the other party is selfish. maybe we both are.

excited by what lies ahead. and.. oddly.. i feel a lil sad for you guys? ironic but its like how i feel an odd form of sadness for evil people who never get to see prettier things in life. i dont think your methods work really. so.. maybe you will never get to do sth like wad we do.

i feel a surge of vengeance suddenly. maybe.. all this time i felt too uncomfortable with what is happening beneath visible lines. to much unfairness. personal or not. on hindsight.. maybe you guys feel its unfair to you all too?

i have a choice. to build up sth tat can make me, make us, happy.